Funny Quotes

Be obscure clearly.
- E. B. White
I rant, therefore I am.
- Dennis Miller
Every dogma has its day.
- Anthony Burgess
Check our mobile app on:
Never floss with a stranger.
- Joan Rivers
I am the funny, crazy person.
- Loni Love
All men are equal before fish.
- Herbert Hoover
Never put a sock in a toaster.
- Eddie Izzard
I saw a stationery store move.
- Jay London
TV is chewing gum for the eyes.
- Frank Lloyd Wright
Too much agreement kills a chat.
- Eldridge Cleaver
Follow us on:
Reality continues to ruin my life.
- Bill Watterson
I own and operate a ferocious ego.
- Bill Moyers
A word to the wise is infuriating.
- Hunter S. Thompson
I have the curse of thinking funny!
- Adam West
Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
- George Carlin
Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.
- Erma Bombeck
Instant gratification takes too long.
- Carrie Fisher
As for our majority... one is enough.
- Benjamin Disraeli
After all is said and done, sit down.
- Bill Copeland
Miami Beach is where neon goes to die.
- Lenny Bruce
When I was born I owed twelve dollars.
- George S. Kaufman
Having a solo career is a funny thing.
- Daryl Hall
Life is hard. After all, it kills you.
- Katharine Hepburn
Who picks your clothes - Stevie Wonder?
- Don Rickles
A lot of baby boomers are baby bongers.
- Kevin Nealon
Men are only as loyal as their options.
- Bill Maher
If you want a guarantee, buy a toaster.
- Clint Eastwood
My grandchildren are fabulous and funny.
- Erica Jong
I spent a year in that town, one Sunday.
- George Burns
Communism is like one big phone company.
- Lenny Bruce
All my children inherited perfect pitch.
- Chevy Chase
Only the mediocre are always at their best.
- Jean Giraudoux
You know what's funny to me? Attitude.
- Don Rickles
When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.
- George Burns
Defy your own group. Rebel against yourself.
- Cathy Guisewite
Food is an important part of a balanced diet.
- Fran Lebowitz
'I Love You, Man' was kind of funny.
- Ethan Coen
I'm spending a year dead for tax reasons.
- Douglas Adams
You're only as good as your last haircut.
- Fran Lebowitz
If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.
- Jack Benny
Electricity is really just organized lightning.
- George Carlin
It's simple, if it jiggles, it's fat.
- Arnold Schwarzenegger
I have never been hurt by what I have not said.
- Calvin Coolidge
Our national flower is the concrete cloverleaf.
- Lewis Mumford
One man's folly is another man's wife.
- Helen Rowland
I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
- Emo Philips
If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.
- Laurence J. Peter
Progress was all right. Only it went on too long.
- James Thurber
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
- Abraham Lincoln
I'm for whatever gets you through the night.
- Frank Sinatra
When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say.
- Henny Youngman
Who included me among the ranks of the human race?
- Joseph Brodsky
I think they should have a Barbie with a buzz cut.
- Ellen DeGeneres
Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease.
- Bill Maher
I grew up in Europe, where the history comes from.
- Eddie Izzard
I never thought of myself as like, a funny person.
- Lena Dunham
I just want to be myself and be real and be funny.
- Bebe Rexha
I'd luv to kiss ya, but I just washed my hair.
- Bette Davis
There's a lot of pretty funny women out there.
- Chelsea Handler
Never have more children than you have car windows.
- Erma Bombeck
Whoever is my relative, I will not be nice to them.
- George Lopez
Life can be dramatic and funny all in the same day.
- Jennifer Aniston
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
- Jim Carrey
I love mankind; it's people I can't stand.
- Charles M. Schulz
What I am looking for is a blessing not in disguise.
- Jerome K. Jerome
The way taxes are, you might as well marry for love.
- Joe E. Lewis
I would talk in iambic pentameter if it were easier.
- Howard Nemerov
I've always surrounded myself with funny people.
- Leslie Mann
He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.
- Alice Roosevelt Longworth
I've got a sense of humor. I'm a funny guy.
- Daryl Hall
Some people say funny things, but I say things funny.
- Don Rickles
There's one thing about baldness, it's neat.
- Don Herold
To be or not to be. That's not really a question.
- Jean-Luc Godard
Thinking is one thing no one has ever been able to tax.
- Charles Kettering
All the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911.
- Lewis Black
People say that life is the thing, but I prefer reading.
- Logan Pearsall Smith
If you want to be thought a liar, always tell the truth.
- Logan Pearsall Smith
I am blessed with a funny gene that makes me enjoy life.
- Karan Patel
No man has a good enough memory to be a successful liar.
- Abraham Lincoln
I love fools' experiments. I am always making them.
- Charles Darwin
Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
- Don Marquis
I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.
- Groucho Marx
I love to go to Washington - if only to be near my money.
- Bob Hope
I think a lot of stuff I find funny is from day dreaming.
- Demetri Martin
What other people call dark and despairing, I call funny.
- David Sedaris
I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.
- Bertrand Russell
Why do you have to be a nonconformist like everybody else?
- James Thurber
One man is as good as another until he has written a book.
- Benjamin Jowett
When you're eight years old nothing is your business.
- Lenny Bruce
Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
- Groucho Marx
Everything I like is either illegal, immoral or fattening.
- Alexander Woollcott
Flattery is like cologne water, to be smelt, not swallowed.
- Josh Billings
I do like dating cynics - they tend to be incredibly funny.
- Chris Pine
Man cannot live by bread alone; he must have peanut butter.
- James A. Garfield
Forty for you, sixty for me. And equal partners we will be.
- Joan Rivers
In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.
- George Carlin
What's politically correct a lot of times is not funny.
- Denis Leary
Being mean just for being mean's sake isn't funny.
- Kaitlin Olson
If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.
- Henny Youngman
How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
- Emo Philips
I have a very low level of recognition, which is fine by me.
- Dylan Moran
We sit in a room for months trying to think of funny things.
- David Walliams
Expert: a man who makes three correct guesses consecutively.
- Laurence J. Peter
There's no such thing as soy milk. It's soy juice.
- Lewis Black
I'm an optimist, but an optimist who carries a raincoat.
- Harold Wilson
I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.
- David Lee Roth
My ideal prom date would have to be cute, funny, sweet, nice.
- Kendall Jenner

Quotes Categories