Quotes by Henny Youngman

Take my wife... Please!
- Henny Youngman
She has a wash and wear bridal gown.
- Henny Youngman
My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash.
- Henny Youngman
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You look like a talent scout for a cemetery.
- Henny Youngman
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
- Henny Youngman
My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
- Henny Youngman
When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say.
- Henny Youngman
She's a big-hearted girl with hips to match.
- Henny Youngman
You have a ready wit. Tell me when it's ready.
- Henny Youngman
You have a nice personality, but not for a human being.
- Henny Youngman
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Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.
- Henny Youngman
You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.
- Henny Youngman
If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas.
- Henny Youngman
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
- Henny Youngman
Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.
- Henny Youngman
If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.
- Henny Youngman
Why don't Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering.
- Henny Youngman
What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.
- Henny Youngman
I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
- Henny Youngman
This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number.
- Henny Youngman
A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.
- Henny Youngman
While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.
- Henny Youngman
I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him.
- Henny Youngman
The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.
- Henny Youngman
She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.
- Henny Youngman
That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position!
- Henny Youngman
Those two are a fastidious couple. She's fast and he's hideous.
- Henny Youngman
I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.
- Henny Youngman
Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
- Henny Youngman
I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock.
- Henny Youngman
There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.
- Henny Youngman
How to drive a guy crazy: send him a telegram and on the top put 'page 2.'
- Henny Youngman
My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City?
- Henny Youngman
This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated!
- Henny Youngman
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.
- Henny Youngman
When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.
- Henny Youngman
If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She thinks I'm selling dope.
- Henny Youngman
My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.
- Henny Youngman
This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest.
- Henny Youngman
If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.
- Henny Youngman
My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first!
- Henny Youngman
I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.
- Henny Youngman
A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.
- Henny Youngman
My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself.
- Henny Youngman
A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.
- Henny Youngman
I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet.
- Henny Youngman
I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car.
- Henny Youngman
Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
- Henny Youngman
Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.
- Henny Youngman